My Second Attempt at Suicide

I realized long ago that these demons that haunted me ever since I was a child don’t really go away. They grasp with claws and never let go. Clinging like parasites and sooner rather than later, they become these ugly insecurities that somehow manages to shape you. Suddenly there it is, compartmentalization becomes me. Most often, I pride myself how easily I can do it.

I know rejection very well since it looked me in the eye when I was just seven years old. I would never forget the mocking voices which had echoed so close to me for two years. Or their backs as they walked away from me that day it finally hit me. It is both funny and tragic – how I managed to put up with such sham and crap. But I guess when people desperately want to belong somewhere, they can put up with anything before they crack. Even six and seven year olds. And although I remember thinking how good it felt to finally end it, the damage has been done and the consequences had been imprinted: If you’re going to ask me to imply from your actions, to presume and to assume something that’s actually good for me, then I’d tell you quite honestly that I can’t do that. I’m not built that way. My default setting has always and sadly, will always be:

“The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?” 

P.S.: The title is figurative. My First Attempt at Suicide was when I was in third year college when our Psychology professor told us to make a 10-page autobiography and I just couldn’t quite skip this part of my life.

Anyway, Back to Me

I don’t write much about myself. Probably because I don’t find it comfortable to do so. I don’t relish a blogged narrative of the terribly personal things in my life though I admire those who can do so with theirs. (OK fine, so I did it one time but I made it so private that only I can see it.) So I stick with my movie reviews, my opinions on books and the television series I have bothered to write an opinion on. And I realized, as I was looking at everything I’ve ever written here, that I am horribly limited.

It’s unfortunate, it’s sad, it’s tragic. This box that I have confined myself in.

So I sit here, and I think bugger that all. I’d like to write about me. 

So here it is… 25 THINGS ABOUT ME (a.k.a. 25 Topics I Randomly Picked From My Rambling, Unorganized Mind) (25 because I’m turning 25 this 24. The Mayans are wrong, I’ll still have my birthday even after the end of the world!)

having something like this in my own house someday would be like dreamland and paradise rolled into one. (wait, is there a difference?)

  1. My first love are books. Fictional ones. Not biographies, academically-oriented books and other sort of non-fictions and most definitely not self-help books. (Due to this I have yet to read The Purpose Driven Life and I have no intention of doing so.)
  2. I do, however, read the Bible. And while I have shamefully not been able to stick with a one-chapter-a-day as I have promised myself, I make it a point to stick with that promise as much as possible.
  3. I am in a lifelong search of completing my top 5 favorite books of all time. I have already found two that top that list: The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. There are contenders for the remaining three spots: Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, The Godfather by Mario Puzo, The Harry Potter books of J.K. Rowling and A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. But contenders they still are. They didn’t change my life in a way that The Bourne Identity and Pride and Prejudice had. Those two books sent me on a life mission to buy every book Robert Ludlum and Jane Austen has ever written. I’m proud to say my collection is almost complete now. Almost being the operative word.
  4. Someday when I have a house of my own, I’ll build myself my personal library with shelves and shelves of books. Like the picture above. Now that is heaven for me. (To my dear husband-to-be, whoever you are. Thank you and much love. 😀 )
  5. Ironically though, I don’t like non-personal libraries (that is: public libraries or school libraries). I don’t know why…
  6. I believe George R.R. Martin, author of A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones in television vernacular) said it best when he wrote this: (Though I just have to say that I think I prefer the Towers of Minas Tirith to the war-laden Westeros. At least you know who your enemies are in Middle Earth. The same cannot be said of the Seven Kingdoms… Enemies there are like weeds sprouting everywhere, anywhere and even in a most treacherous manner.)

“The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real … for a moment at least … that long magic moment before we wake.

Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?

We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.

They can keep their heaven. When I die, I’d sooner go to middle Earth.”

  1. I love the smell of Christmas morning and the feel of the cold Christmas air. Like a lot of people in the world, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love Christmas for the same reasons a lot of people do: good food, family time, christmas caroling, presents everywhere… the list is endless. But I think it’s an extra special holiday for me just because I was born on the day before Christmas. You can frown any day of the year but not on Christmas day.
  2. When I was still a little kid I thought that the smooth white top of the grocery counters were like snow.
  3. Like every other girl in the world, I have a love-hate relationship with food. I love them but I don’t want to get fat. Rachel Weisz hit the bull’s eye when she said: “Los Angeles makes you feel ugly. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t secretly wanted to be super-skinny, because all girls do.But I have a woman’s body, not a boy’s body. Most women do and should feel proud of their butts and their breasts and their bellies.”
  4. I don’t like going to bars or going to parties that much (I still like to go occasionally). I just think there’s too many people there and sometimes I’m too lazy to bother with everyone. Compared to a roomful of glitzy people, I do sometimes prefer the company of a small group of friends or a night spent at home with my family, watching a good show or reading a good book.
  5. I would love to travel someday and look good while doing it. I haven’t the slightest money to spare to make this come true right now, but someday I will. I haven’t been to a lot of places, but someday when my money finally permits me, oh the places I will go.
  6. Someday, I’ll be in Paris. I’ll watch a Broadway show (or a theatre). I have no interest in joining the Mile High Club though. No matter how clean it is, I never liked the smell of public transportation toilets. (I don’t know why I wrote that.)
  7. I’m an animal lover. That being said, I don’t like worms, bugs, cockroaches and other creepy crawlies. I like snakes though. I love everything in the Cat and Dog Family (the hyena, not too much) most of all. I like wolves. But since I know I can’t pet them without my hand being bitten off, I’d settle myself with Siberian Huskies instead. Someday, I’ll swim with sharks and come out of the water alive, uninjured and with all my limbs still intact. (Let me have my fiction here…)

Rome! By all means, Rome. I will cherish my visit here in memory as long as I live.

  1. I like old movies like The Sound of Music, Casablanca, Gone with the Wind and A Streetcar Named Desire.
  2. The Sound of Music remains as my favorite movie of all time. I love to sing with Maria, the Captain and the Von Trapp children  as the movie goes along.
  3. Scarlett O’Hara is my favorite female movie character. Emphasis on the movieI believe I have ranted about this back then. Incidentally, Vivien Leigh is my favorite actress.
  4. My favorite Audrey Hepburn movie is Roman Holiday (see picture above)One of the reasons of which is because I discovered Gregory Peck. I found Breakfast at Tiffany’s boring, but it had the best last fifteen minutes of any movie I have ever watched. (Perhaps if I watch it again, I won’t find it so boring.)
  5. I love movies. Among my favorite directors is Hayao Miyazaki. Among his movies, I love Spirited Away the most. I’ll also watch a movie simply because a creature like Brad Pitt is there. I also find Jeremy Renner roguishly, macho-ily irresistible… I have strayed off topic. I, like every other female in the planet, like romantic movies, romcoms and chickflicks. I also read mangas. I like josei and a few shoujo mangas so long as it doesn’t involve dumb, give-me-back-my-first-kiss, crying heroines (which would be about 70% of the time). Thankfully, I discovered the works of the amazing Sakisaka Io and I confess to having devoured her works like a junkie that needs her fix. (Your mangas are the only remaining ones that I care enough to read Ms. Sakisaka Io. Now if only they can NOW translate the latest chapters of Ao Haru Ride…)

  1. I’m vain. I think the people who knows me knows that.
  2. I have been domesticated. Lately, I have found myself liking being in the kitchen. Who knew I would ever be interested in learning how to cook? (Certainly not the me a year ago.) That said, my favorite part is still slicing stuffs up.
  3. I love how cold and clean my bed feels just after I have poured copious amounts of alcohol all over it. Yes, I waste a large portion of alcohol on my bed.
  4. I’m going to treat tretinoin as my best friend.
  5. When I was a kid, I told myself that I would never take up law when I grow up. I wanted to be a rich international master thief wanted by Interpol, not some boring, formal lawyer. I want my dangerous adventures. (Blame it on those Lupin cartoons back then.) Twenty years later I proved myself wrong. I realllyyyyy want to be a lawyer.
  6. I hardly make promises to other people. I think validation is important. I believe you can have your closure on your own; a blogger once wrote that “there is no such thing as closure, at least when you expect it from another person because that shit comes from inside.” The blogger’s words, not mine. I just so happen to agree.
  7. Oh darling, I’m having my adventure.

–  Lovelies, Dearies, Darlings. Thank you for your time. –


Gaspard Ulliel

One of the perks of French movies. (Though I’m not that shallow as to watch it just for him.)

But still, eye candy doesn’t hurt. And he can act too. Oh yes, he can.

And his voice! Good Lord. And, I never thought scars could look sooo sexy until I saw him.

A Very Long Engagement (2004)

Jacquou le Croquant (2007)

Hannibal Rising (2007)

The Princess of Montpensier (2010)